Good crowd. Good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now but last week I was in rough shape. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war, my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother wouldn't breast feed me. She said she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Some dog I got, too. We call him Egypt 'cause he leaves a pyramid in every room.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
When I was a kid, they tried to make me the poster boy for birth control.
One time I was kidnaped and they sent my father a piece of my finger. He told them he wanted more proof!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sit on his lap. Of course, he died in the electric chair!
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I got lost when I was a kid. I saw a cop and asked him to help me find my folks. I said, 'Think we'll ever find them?' He said, 'I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide.'
One time I was so depressed, I was going to jump out a tenth floor window. They sent a priest to talk to me. He said, 'On your mark...'
On Halloween, parents dress their kids up to look like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now I answer the door and kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him my picture.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
Once at a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips but she won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
For two hours some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!
This morning I put on my underwear and the Fruit of the Loom guys laughed at me.
My travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He said I could fly from New York to London, then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked, 'How do I get from London to Tokyo?' He said, 'That's why we give you 21 days.'
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days, just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say love thy neighbor as thyself. What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off, too?
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy, what a present he gave me!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day someone stole our car. I said, `Did you see the guy that did it?` She said, `No, but I got the license plate.'
I asked my wife if she'd put out the garbage. She said, 'Why should I? You never put out for me.'
I asked her if she likes a cigarette after sex. She said, 'No. One drag is enough.'
I got myself good this morning. I did my push ups in the nude but I didn't see the mouse trap.
My girl called me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over and nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to message parlor. It was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted... hickies.
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, 'No. I hate myself now.'
My girlfriend's no prize. She used to braid her armpits.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own zip code.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back that said, 'Caution wide load.'
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.
I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with her they had to ask for directions.
One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her I didn't have enough gas.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets.
I knew a girl so ugly that She's a double bagger. She's so ugly, I wear a bag in case the one on her head falls off.
I knew a girl so ugly that I bent down to pet her cat and found out it was the hair on her legs.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I can't get no respect. I took my girl to the top of the Empire State Building and planes started to attack me.
I knew a girl that was so ugly she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight!
I don't want to say she's ugly, but the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook in it.
My girl has a face like a saint... A saint bernard!
The bartender asked me what I wanted. I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me naked pictures of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is in big trouble again. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day I came home from work early and I see a guy jogging naked. I said, `Hey, Buddy, why are you doing that? He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I went shopping for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her... The best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on my shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
I tried group sex. Now I have a problem. I don't know who to thank!
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette. We pass around six girls and one rubber.
I went to see my doctor, Vidi-boom-ba. I told him, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight's perfect.'
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms
My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion he said..Alright..you're ugly too!
I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
When I was born the doctor turned me over and said, 'Look... twins!'
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with!
